On Feelings of Inadequacy: Part 1

in·ad·e·quate/inˈadikwit/

Adjective:

Not adequate; lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose. (of a person) Unable to deal with a situation or with life: "inadequate to the task"

(Google search: "inadequate")

We all fall short of the Glory of God so in that way, yes, we are inadequate. BUT I firmly believe that God has built each one of us for a reason. He saw a me shaped hole in the world and got to work.

This morning as I woke up I remembered a day at my first proper job just over three years ago. I was working for a law firm and I had forgotten to deal with an email from a client. The client was now asking my supervisor why they had heard no more on the matter, and they were angry. I hadn't done it on purpose, it had just slipped into my enourmous 'to do' pile which kept getting added to with urgent things that needed doing yesterday. You might have one of those...

I asked God why this scene had come to mind. He asked me (I never get a straight answer from God, like the best teachers He seems to prefer to guide me towards working it out myself!) 'How did you feel? Do you know why you felt that way?' I knew straight away how I felt. Completely inadequate. I had a long list of reasons too: I was under a lot of pressure; it didn't seem as important as other things that were being asked of me; I was miserable; I had stopped enjoying my job; I didn't think I could do it anymore but was too scared to leave without finding something else to go to. Mortgages can do that to you.
 

Both God and my husband had been trying to get me to leave that job for some time. They could both see how miserable it was making me and it took that day for me to see it too. It wasn't that I wasn't good at my job, I was, I had been employee of the month not long before this happened. It wasn't that they didn't want me to work either, but that the job I was doing was not the one I was made for.

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” ― Albert Einstein

So I was doing the wrong thing. Psalm 23 says "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me" (v4 NASB). I don't recall who made this point, but the point is that the way is THROUGH that valley, you don't set up camp there! And that is what I had done. I was called to work in that job for a season, the season had passed and I hadn't recognised the change, let alone acted upon it.

I realised this morning that I had not been inadequate back then. I had felt inadequate. There is a big difference. How we allow ourselves to feel affects our behaviour and perspective. I think maybe that this particular episode of feeling inadequate in my life cast a shadow over the years that followed. Perhaps if I had had a little more confidence in myself as a daughter of the King of Kings back then and not lived in that shadow things might be a little different now. Not much different, just a bit brighter.

I think I might just be coming out into the sun again now though.