On Numbness

numb  

/nəm/

Adjective Deprived of the power of sensation.

Verb Deprive of feeling or responsiveness.

Synonyms adjective.   torpid - benumbed - stiff - insensitive verb.   benumb - stupefy - grow numb

Bands of greys layered upon canvas. Or the real answer to the question "so, how are you feeling?" for the last two years of my life, I've gotten quite good at deflecting such probing questions! I would apologise, but it's part of a coping mechanism, and I don't think I've actually had that much control over it if I'm honest.

Anaesthesia is amazing. I would be dead right now if it didn't exist, and there's a good chance my son would be too. So is Wikipedia, observe:

Anesthesia, or anaesthesia (from Greek αν-, an-, "without"; and αἴσθησις, aisthēsis, "sensation"), traditionally meant the condition of having sensation (including the feeling of pain) blocked or temporarily taken away. It is a pharmacologically induced and reversible state of amnesia, analgesia, loss of responsiveness, loss of skeletal muscle reflexes, decreased stress response, or all of these simultaneously. These effects can be obtained from a single drug which alone provides the correct combination of effects, or occasionally a combination of drugs (such as hypnotics, sedatives, paralytics and analgesics) to achieve very specific combinations of results. This allows patients to undergo surgery and other procedures without the distress and pain they would otherwise experience. An alternative definition is a "reversible lack of awareness," including a total lack of awareness (e.g. a general anesthetic) or a lack of awareness of a part of the body such as a spinal anesthetic.        -Wikipedia

When I gave birth I did not feel a thing. My labour was, medically speaking, 3 minutes long. That's 3 minutes from the first incision to a little pink wrinkly thing being whisked away to another table to be wrapped in a far too large nappy and a towel. I know mothers. I know so many birth stories along the spectrum from 'it just popped out in the bath' to the ordeal of induction and cesarean. I know mothers who have had every kind of birth you can have. When I listen to their stories they include all of the pain and discomfort but also the feelings and emotions that they went through, even those who had epidurals. And I am jealous, because I was just numb, physically and emotionally.

Anaesthesia means that we can undergo medical procedures that used to be impossible. The rest of the Wiki article goes on to talk about the first human trial of ether on a patient who had tumours but was afraid of the pain of the operation to remove them. The ability to temporarily block the sensation of pain means that more people undergo and survive surgery these days, and therefore survive conditions that can be treated by surgery. Which is amazing.

The mind also has the ability to shut off in certain situations. Temporary dissociation is encouraged during a 'natural' labour to take the mother's focus away from the pain and onto a speck on the wall or other completely unassociated item in the room. Victims of abuse are able to (sometimes) have involuntary selective amnesia, sheilding them from the horror of their experiences at times so that they can function. I do not claim to be an expert on these things by any stretch of the imagination.

These numbings both physical and mental/emotional allow things to be done that couldn't be done under normal circumstances. But normal circumstances must resume if life is to continue. You could stay under anaesthetic for the rest of your life, but it wouldn't be a life. Through counselling you can process the trauma you have been through and come out the other side and live. Numbness is a good thing, but it really should have an end. I am beginning to notice that I pause and think really hard when someone asks me how I am, because I'm actually trying to remember the words to describe what I'm feeling. I have gotten upset at a couple of things today to the point of crying about them. Then I realised that I was crying because I was upset and suddenly not being upset because the fact that I was feeling upset made me happy! I think I've finally gotten there. That's quite good isn't it.

As I've been writing I've remembered my first memory after he was born, being scared because he wasn't crying. And now I am, again.

Tea, tea and chocolate I think. Good night!

On Frustration

frus·tra·tion  

/frəˈstrāSHən/

Noun 1. The feeling of being upset or annoyed, esp. because of inability to change or achieve something. 2. An event or circumstance that causes one to have such a feeling.

Synonyms disappointment - defeat

'Frustration' acrylic on canvas, painting two in the 'Journey of Hope' series. The brilliant red background is muddied by the darker foreground. Black hooks and slashes obscure the true original image. This photo of the painting focuses on the texture of the black overlay. Interesting that. I didn't do that on purpose.




Our enemy is exeedingly clever, he uses the same tricks over and over to prevent us from doing what we were made to do. When I first painted this I thought that the red represented my anger at my situation, and that it was emphasised by the high contrast of the black. Looking at it now I think that actually the red is more symbolic of my passion. It's been dulled down, and even though the covering layer has been scraped away and cleaned off in places the stains remain. It's interesting that the camera picked up on every little detail of the hooks because that's what frustration does to us I think. It makes us concentrate on the negative. We get stuck in a rut of destructive thinking. So we need to break that cycle, which is the hardest thing to do when you are in it. It helps to be surrounded by people who know you, and what you're going through, but who are good enough friends to know when to hand you a biscuit, and when to slap you round the face with truth. Just to clarify, not literally slapping, but literary (see what I did there?).

I'm finding it really hard to write about being in the place this painting represents, because I am not there any more. When I was there, it felt like there was no way out, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. If you have a moment, the tunnel was a deep dark cave and I was facing the back wall wearing concrete slippers so I couldn't even turn around and see where I had come from.

Look at those synonyms up there, disappointment and defeat. That is exactly what it felt like.

The definition of frustration raises something that I have re-learned recently: "the inability to change or achieve something". I've come to realise that this is complete codswallop. It is exactly what our enemy wants us to think, this I think is the concrete slippers I was wearing. Actually WE DO HAVE THE ABILITY to change situations and achieve anything we set our minds to. It is hard work. It means changing our mindsets which is actually like chipping away at concrete with a tiny chisel. It takes effort, determination and stamina. It takes strategy. Part of my strategy has been to write helpful things in a place where I see them on a regular basis. I bought some dry-wipe markers and wrote bible verses on my bathroom tiles. When I spend time on Pinterest I make sure I spend some of that time either looking at or posting to my 'Study' board. The front of my diary has a printout of specific verses and quotes that help me when I feel stuck, and that goes EVERYWHERE with me. All of these little things are gradually taking effect.

It would be amazing to be miraculously dramatically healed. But this way I feel that I am being strengthened, working out my spiritual and mental muscles, replacing destructive habits with constuctive ones. That's why this series is called 'Journey of Hope', the journey and the process are a valid and important part of my healing. My hope is that by documenting my journey it will bring hope to you where you are struggling and a reminder that you are not alone in your struggle.

On Suddenness

sud·den  (sdn)

adj.

1. Happening without warning; unforeseen: a sudden storm.

2. Characterised by hastiness; abrupt or rash: a sudden decision. See Synonyms at impetuous.

3. Characterised by rapidity; quick and swift.

Idiom:

all of a sudden

Very quickly and unexpectedly; suddenly.

I have been putting off sharing these online, I don't know why. No, sorry, I do know why, but I'm getting over it.

'Suddenly' is the first work in my 'Journey of Hope' series. This is a series of pictures that came into my head about a year ago as I was meditating on my journey into motherhood, through post-natal depression and beyond into my future. I believe God has used them to help show me things about that journey, to help me through it, and I believe they will help others too, I don't know how, I just know I have to share.

'Suddenly' is a dramatic monotone composition. Paint and filler are layered on thickly, blended on the canvas quickly, creating the marbled patterning behind the bold, black, spiked streaks. I love the way the black and white marble together, it was something I had very little control over, but in places it is quite beautiful. The photo doesn't show it very well, but the white here has a grainy texture, the black is glossy.

For me it depicts the suddenness of discovering I was pregnant, the suddenness with which our dear son came into the world and the sudden realisation that everything was not quite as it should be. Sometimes we wait a long time for something, it seems like it is never going to happen. Then all of a sudden it does, and we don't really know how to cope. We spent all of that waiting time hoping and twiddling our thumbs instead of preparing ourselves for the enormous changes that what we're hoping for will bring. And we're surprised!

I don't know what else to say. I'd love to hear any feedback you'd like to make on this series, especially if it helps you in any way.  If you have any questions I will try to answer them as best and honestly as I can.

On My Mind

med·i·tate/ˈmedəˌtāt/

Verb:	Think deeply or focus for a time for spiritual purposes or to relax. Think deeply or carefully about (something).
Synonyms:	contemplate - think - muse - ponder - reflect - cogitate

The mind is an incredible thing.

What you meditate on stays on your mind.

It is something I really struggle with. It is part of the daily battle with depression, some days it really does take all of my mental strength just to get out of bed, let alone put some cereal in a bowl. Or any thing else.

I know the power of the mind. It has the capacity to be an inescapable prison, a fortress or a torturous place where we can get trapped in cyclical destructive thinking.

People say "you are what you eat", well I reckon

YOU ARE WHAT YOU THINK!

"you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse." Philippians 4:8 (MSG)

But hey, you might not believe any of that namby-pamby crap.

The mind is pretty much the last unexplored territory on the planet, and science is just starting to discover things that were actually  written in the bible thousands of years ago are true.

It is well accepted that negative thoughts and anxiety can make us ill. Stress - the belief that we are at risk - triggers physiological pathways such as the "fight-or-flight" response, mediated by the sympathetic nervous system. These have evolved to protect us from danger, but if switched on long-term they increase the risk of conditions such as diabetes and dementia.

What researchers are now realising is that positive beliefs don't just work by quelling stress. They have a positive effect too - feeling safe and secure, or believing things will turn out fine, seems to help the body maintain and repair itself.

Optimism seems to reduce stress-induced inflammation and levels of stress hormones such as cortisol. It may also reduce susceptibility to disease by dampening sympathetic nervous system activity and stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system. The latter governs the so-called "rest and digest" response - the opposite of fight-or-flight.

- Jo Marchant, New Scientist

The mind can cause us harm if it doesn't, or isn't allowed to, function correctly. Long term stress doesn't just affect ourselves, but how we see the world, how we interact with other people, even how we interpret a piece of information, the words we choose to hear. The beauty of it is that most of us actually have the capacity to choose.

Choosing to accentuate the positive is not just a nice thing to do. It is a powerful weapon against depression and self doubt and everything that holds us back from fulfilling our dreams and purposes. It riles me when people say "oh isn't that nice, she's got her faith, how lovely" NO. Actually it isn't, sometimes it's bloody hard. Often the last thing I want to do is stand in a row of people and sing about how good God is when I have dreams inside that seem impossible. But I still do. That is not hypocritical. It is taking a stand. It is saying "This thing is bigger than me, but it is not bigger than my God, who gave it to me in the first place, and therefore I believe that it will come to fruition" and it is from that place that I sing.

Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
    Fill the air with song, you who’ve never experienced childbirth!
You’re ending up with far more children
    than all those childbearing women.” God says so!

Isaiah 54:1 MSG

I learnt recently that this verse is not just about having actual children. It is also about having God-given dreams fulfilled. It is about having faith that God put these dreams in your heart, not because He is a mean God, but because He wants you to succeed, with His help. James 4 says "Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you." (vs 7, 8 & 10)

I have dreams that I believe God put in my heart. But I'm still on medication for depression, and I have this daily battle before I can even eat.

So what I have to choose to do, and it is my choice, is to trust that "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Rom 8:28 (NASB). I know that I am coming out of PND. I know that I am coming out of it stronger, with a renewed passion and purpose. With my creativity reignited.

Here we go!