On Hope

hope/hōp/

Noun:	A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
Verb:	Want something to happen or be the case: "he's hoping for compensation"; "I hope that the kids are OK".
Synonyms:	noun.  expectation - expectancy - expectance - trust - promise verb.  trust - expect - anticipate

It seems to be quite a wishy washy subject before you look into it. We cannot predict the future. We can have a good guess based on past events, recognise patterns that might repeat themselves or habits of behaviour. But we cannot in all certainty reliably foretell what is coming. Even TV schedules change.

Yet we all hope. To be let out of work early. That the things we want to buy will be on offer. That the bus will be on time (or late!). I would suggest our day to day mundane hopes are not really hopes at all. They fall into the category of "things that would be nice if they happened", I might call them wishes. The impact on our lives if they happen or not is quite small. I might also add to this category things that count as fantasy, like my running away idea of being a scuba instructor in the summer and a ski instructor in the winter in ooo lets say New Zealand.

The definition above uses the words expectation and desire. When we truly hope for something, we are actually expecting it to happen. We WANT it to happen. And we are definately disappointed if it doesn't. There is a risk involved in hoping. A risk that our expectations will not be met. To hope requires faith: "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." (Heb 11:1 NASB) because it is that assurance that changes it from a wish into a hope.

I just want to stop a moment here and acknowledge that bad things happen. People get ill and die, relationships break down. There are wars and starvation and trafficking and many other atrocities. So why should we hope? HOW can we hope when there is so much out there that would tell us hoping is pointless? Should we ignore this, shutting our eyes and ears to the world around us? I don't think so. Lamentations 3 says this:

It's a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God

I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
   the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
   the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
   and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
   his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
   How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He's all I've got left.
God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
   to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
   quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
   to stick it out through the hard times.

v19-27 MSG

Lamentations was written after the sacking of Jerusalem by the Babylonians. The writer is mourning the loss of men, women and children, their homes, their temple, their way of life. People were being taken from everything they knew into exile hundreds of miles away. Imagine walking from John O Groats to Lands End, but instead of the beautiful countryside and refreshing rain it was arid desert, and you were being whipped to keep up with smelly camels, that's about right I think. From this place of complete devastation they begin to look towards the future. I find that quite incredible.

I can imagine myself in that situation feeling very sorry for myself. When times are tough we actually sometimes try to stop ourselves from hoping for better to come, because any delay makes us feel worse. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life." (Pro 13:12 NASB)



It comes back to faith again. Faith in the fact that God is who the bible says He is. I believe this is true. I believe that "with God all things are possible" (Matt 19:26 NASB). The key word for me there is "with", we have to be on the same page as God and able to hear what He has to say. Jesus enables us to do this:

So, friends, we can now—without hesitation—walk right up to God, into "the Holy Place." Jesus has cleared the way by the blood of his sacrifice, acting as our priest before God. The "curtain" into God's presence is his body.
So let's do it—full of belief, confident that we're presentable inside and out. Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.

Heb 10:19-25 MSG

We can pray to God for things that are on our hearts. We can pray for healing, restoration, inspiration, freedom from addictions, the list could take me a while to type out! The bible says that "I [Jesus] came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of." (John 10:10 MSG).

Real, eternal, more and better THAN YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF.

He wants us to be well, to find enjoyment in our lives and for us to have and fulfil a purpose. I find it funny sometimes to think that the things that are on our hearts were put there by God in the first place! 

So we have to trust that God is on our side, making sure that we are on God's side by having Jesus as our priest and changing our ways when they don't match up to God's ways. I like The Message paraphrase of Hebrews 11:1-3:

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd.
By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see.

One last quote:

For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'

Jer 29:11 NASB

On Uncertainty

un·cer·tain·ty/ˌənˈsərtntē/

Noun:

The state of being uncertain: "times of uncertainty and danger". Something that is uncertain or that causes one to feel uncertain: "financial uncertainties".

In uncertain times we look for an anchor to hold us firm.

People get their security from work, money, friendships, relationships, body image, possessions, addictions. It is fairly straight forward to tell what someone puts their faith in by what they talk about, and what they ask about your life.

Have a think: 'what is my anchor right now?' For me I know I have been living off other people, primarily my husband, parents and very close friends. Now having a support network is great, essential even, but the key to recovery is knowing when you are strong enough to stop relying solely on help from others, and start to help yourself.

Over the last few months I have been in group counselling, art therapy and solo counselling sessions (I REALLY wanted to get better!). It's all been very helpful, working out firstly exactly what it was that I was feeling and why I was feeling that way.

The second thing that I found useful was the introduction of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT for short - not to be confused with Compulsory Basic Training for motorbikes!). To explain CBT very crudely it is to recognise the effect your thoughts have on your feelings, and the effect your feelings have on your behaviour. An example of this might go as follows:

• someone pulls into "your" space in the supermarket car park
• you think "Oi! That's my space, can you not see me!?!"
• you feel "everybody's out to get what's mine"
• you might then grab your crook lock, exit your car and threaten the offending driver until they give up "your" space and move on

OK, so most people wouldn't get as far as actually completing that behaviour, and that is CBT in action. We might imagine doing it, but we stop ourselves, weighing up the consequences of our actions, decide we don't want to go to prison for assault, and remain in our car. We might even stop ourselves and amend the initial thought; this incident involves only the person in the other car, not everybody, and the space actually belongs to the supermarket, not us.

This is not a new idea. Romans 12:2 says "do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" (NASB) in the Amplified version it reads: "do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude]".

I had heard this verse before, but only by going through CBT did I actually realise what it means. It means that I have control of my mind, ME! I can CHANGE MY MIND. I can renew my mind and expect to be transformed as a result. Instead of just feeling down because I think I'm useless, I can challenge my own thoughts because actually I AM NOT USELESS. Then, because I no longer feel useless, I can get up and do useful things instead.

It helps if you have evidence to back yourself up when you're challenging unhelpful thoughts. As our Pastor said on Sunday "a storm is not a good time for a swimming lesson!" We need to use the good times to prepare for the bad times ahead. Like Joseph in Egypt interpreting Pharaoh's dream about the seven fat cows and the seven skinny cows, he was able to make sure surplus grain was stored up to get the country through the coming famine. So in order to prepare for low periods in the future, I need to be able to call to mind times when I have been useful, things that I have done for my toddler to keep him safe and happy, remember things that I am good at as well as all the times that God has come through for me. So I am starting a testimony record, there are things that I achieved years ago that I have genuinely forgotten until this last week. When you start writing it all down, you realise you actually have a lot of things to be thankful for getting through or achieving.

I am going to share them too!

Here is some light relief, because it is now stuck in my head, it's only fair:

Just to let you know…

Just to let you know…

…I am coming back

"Grab your face!

God is good

I am not alone

I have a hope and a future"

- Debra McKenzie Smith

On Who I am: A Child of God

child/CHīld/

Noun:

A young human being below the age of full physical development or below the legal age of majority. A son or daughter of any age.

He came to his own people, but they didn't want him. 

But whoever did want him, who believed he was who he claimed and would do what he said, he made to be their true selves, their child-of-God selves.                                                 John 1:12 MSG

A lot of people are screwed up. I was going to start this post by saying "think back to what it was like being a child". Sadly, not everyone gets the kind of childhood they should have, so thinking back to that wouldn't be helpful at all. Even painful. It is not fair.

One of my primary revelations is of God's love for me as Father God, some translations of the bible use the phrase "Abba" Father, this is a Greek word literally meaning a more familiar name for a father such as "Papa" or even "Daddy". My revelation comes through my childhood, I had a pretty good one. My Mum and Dad are brilliant, I know I was and am loved as their daughter and I have never had any reason to doubt that. They are each other's first spouses and they are still together, which seems rare these days. My Dad, although he sometimes had to work long hours was always present. He built my sister and I a big wooden slide when we were very little, we used to polish it to make it go faster! When we were older he built us a den with swings on the side and a rope ladder to climb up into it to share with our little brother. My first memory of having a grown up conversation was with my Dad, and one of my favourite wedding photos is of him helping me out of the car when we got to church. Basicly I am a 'Daddy's girl' at heart.

A couple of years ago God pointed all this out to me. When I talk about God speaking to me, please understand, I don't hear an audible voice, the only way I can think of to explain it is that I have thoughts that I didn't think. Anyway, God asked me if I thought my Dad loved me, possibly the easiest question I have ever been asked. Of course he does! God pointed me towards these verses:

Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your children. So don't you think the God who concieved you in love will be even better?                            Matthew 7:7-11 MSG

My Dad, although wonderful, is human. God isn't. He's God, the star-breather. I don't know what your experience of childhood was like, maybe it was good, maybe it wasn't. I'm here to tell you that our earthly fathers, even if they were brilliant, bear no comparison to our Heavenly Abba Father. I know for a fact that people's experiences growing up affect how they feel and act towards God. How can you trust a god who asks you to call him Father if your biological father abandoned or abused you? I believe the answer is through time, prayer, healing. You can be restored, it is possible.

Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need...

You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exeeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes.                              Phillipians 4:19-20

I'm not saying that if you ask him to win the lottery that your numbers will come up. Good parenting is not always about saying yes. God's answers I tend to find are one of three:

Yes

Not yet

I have a better idea

In order for us to get a 'yes' we need to be asking for something that will do us good, and that we're ready for. 'Not yet' means there's a journey to go on first. 'I have a better idea' is when it gets exciting!

This ressurection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us - an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!                          Romans 8:15-17 MSG

I would urge you, spend some time with God, however you do that, pray, put worship music on, read the bible. Above all else, ask him what he wants to say to you right now.

On Who I am: An Introduction

i·den·ti·ty/īˈdentitē/

Noun:

The fact of being who or what a person or thing is: "he knows the identity of the bombers". The characteristics determining this: "a Canadian identity".

A couple of posts ago I talked briefly about dwelling on truth. I want to look a bit closer at the truth of who I am, because I think writing it all down will be useful to read when I'm having a bad day.

Who I am in the world is not a constant thing. It changes and develops as I discover things about myself that fascinate or disturb me. I feel like I am going through a season of getting to know myself again after a long absence. I guess that is part of depression, you sort of lose who you really are for a time. Rediscovering that is like walking through a house you used to live in, finding things you used to love and then wondering why on earth you chose THAT wallpaper. I'm finding I need to do some redecorating!

For example, I hate injustice. How righteous does that sound? 10 Halo points for me right there! Be ready to take those points straight back again when you hear where my efforts in that area have largely been focused. Not on putting an end to trafficking, or world hunger, or cancer research, or even helping old ladies across the street. But on complaining about noisy neighbours and people parking across our driveway. Yes, these are injustices, but in the grand scheme of things, I need to wake up and let my world be bigger! And DO SOMETHING!!

I wanted to be a primary school teacher when I was growing up, specialising in dance and PE. My Dad, who is a retired primary school teacher, tried his best to dissuade me. It was only after suffering a breakdown during my final PGCE placement that I finally decided he was right and that I should try something else. I was so broken at that point I stopped dancing. My dream had gone. So I closed the door on that room of my life.

In the four years that followed I gradually bricked up that doorway. I decided I wanted to get my PADI scuba diving and BASI skiing certificates and move to New Zealand or Canada, somewhere I could ski in the winter and dive in the summer, the perfect job! The perfect running away job!!

When the time came for me to start dancing again I needed a metaphorical sledgehammer to get through that mental wall. I discovered I did not need the qualifications I thought I did to begin dance teaching because of my degree. I even began teaching. I began studying for other teaching qualifications even though I had just realised I didn't need them. And then the depression hit again, and the hole that I had made in the wall got filled in again.

This time I feel like I have better tools for the job. As though I am using a circular saw to cut a square door-frame. It is a slower process, but in doing it properly the finished result will be neater, stronger and hopefully longer lasting!

It is interesting how my journey has brought me to the same room in my mental house three times, but from different directions.

I think that story illustrates my point that although I have had to find different ways of approaching it, the essential bare-bones of my identity as a dance teacher are still there each time. And although I have been focusing my intolerance for injustice in a non-useful direction, it is still there, it just needs aiming more effectively.

I am going to spend the next few posts in this series looking at who I am (and you are!) according to the Bible, but I wanted to start off by showing that there are various parts of our identities that get worked on and refined over time. And there are aspects that are just plain not helpful. We are all works in progress!

On Feelings of Inadequacy: Part 4

I'm not going to say much in this post, except that this video is a pretty amazing use of 40 minutes...

If you were feeling inadequate before watching this I hope it's gone some way to making you stop and think again. Not only is God amazing and huge and creator of the universe, but He also made us, and we are made in His image, which means that we too can do amazing things.

And each of us matters.

On Being Thankful

thank·ful/ˈTHaNGkfəl/

Adjective:

Pleased and relieved: "they were thankful that the war was finally over"; "I was very thankful to be alive". Expressing gratitude and relief: "a thankful prayer".

Joyce Meyer tweeted a few good ones yesterday:

"Is your problem really your problem, or is it your attitude towards the problem that's your problem?"

"Your attitude is your thought life turned inside out."

"The best thing about your attitude is that it's yours, and you can choose to change it!"

"It's your attitude, not your aptitude, that will determine your sucess in life."

Part of the change I need to make in my life is to be actively thankful every day. So as part of that I'm going to start doing this:

• I am thankful that I am alive today, with food to eat, water to drink, clothes to wear and shelter from the rain. So many people don't have these things.
• I am thankful for being born into a family that loves me and nurtures me and supports me through the tough times and celebrates with me in the good times. That I was not abused as a child or neglected as so many children are.
• I am thankful that I grew up in a country where it is normal for children to go to school and not have to walk miles or bankrupt my family to do so. That I can read. That I can write.
• I am thankful that I am married to my best friend, that he has been so patient and loving through this latest season of rubbishness. God knew you were perfect for me!
• I am thankful that I live in a country where I do not live in fear of being killed for my beliefs, the colour of my skin or my tom-boyishness.
• I am thankful for our family's financial situation. We might be on the edge of struggling by some people's standards, but we are probably in the top 2% of income earners worldwide, definately the top 10%
• I am thankful that I was born with four working limbs, that I still have them and am on the whole pretty healthy, that I can walk, run, climb trees, swim, dance, and use all of the London Underground tube stations (take a look at the step-free tube guide here)
• I am thankful for my bonnie little boy, who is waking up. Better publish and go...

On Feelings of Inadequacy: Part 3

be·lieve/biˈlēv/

Verb:

Accept (something) as true; feel sure of the truth of: "the superintendent believed Lancaster's story". Accept the statement of (someone) as true.

The problem I have most often is believing truth. I know my husband loves me. I know I'm a good mum. I know my baby (ok, toddler!) is thriving. I know that I am a dancer/artist/writer/general creative being. I even know a bit of who the Bible says I am. Believing it all though is sometimes, for some reason, an entirely different thing.

I've just had my first tap lesson in quite some time. I knew the steps, I have done them before, but my belief in my ability has subsided. That caused unclear beats, and what's known in the business as 'fudged bits' often accompanied by the 'I'm messing this up' face. This is completely down to a lack of practice. With practice I will improve both in the quality of the movement and sound I produce and in memorising the routines. Practising tap is fairly simple, I just have to get to class. So how do I practice the rest? Erk!

I can practice being loved by allowing myself to be loved.

By believing I am lovable.

By loving myself.

My pastor has said in the past that only a mad person expects a change in the results without changing something in the process. Something clearly has to change. OK, what does loving myself look like? It is eating three meals a day because I need that. It is not being up at 01:10 blogging (oops!) because I need to sleep when I can. It is doing the laundry so that I have clean clothes to wear. It is figuring out how to have more than one shower a week, which might actually mean showering in the evening after my son has gone to bed, because otherwise it doesn't happen.

"We fear change" - Garth Elgar (Wayne's World)

We humans are creatures of habit. Some habits are behaviour, like biting your nails, or having a biscuit with a cup of tea. If you want to stop it you can take measures. You get that yucky tasting nail biting deterrent or stop buying biscuits. You can also get people to help you. Some habits though are perhaps more deeply engraved. It seems harder to snap out of thought based habits. Mind tapes that play over and over in your inner monologue. They need taping over with something new.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.(Phil 4:8 NASB)

So I think I need to make myself get into some new habits. I think I need to actually go as far as writing myself a time-table. I need:

• time to cook and time to eat
• time to play and time to sleep
• time to create and time to tidy away

Most of all I think I need to dwell on some more of who I actually am, and to read my Bible.

Except I'll stay away from Ecclesiastes for now!

On Feelings of Inadequacy: Part 2

work/wərk/

Noun:

Activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.

Verb:

Be engaged in physical or mental activity in order to achieve a purpose or result, esp. in one's job; do work.

(Google search "work")

The Bible has lots to say about the work we do, I think Proverbs 14:23 sums it up nicely: "Hard work always pays off; mere talk puts no bread on the table." (MSG). And then there is the dreaded Proverbs 31 woman. If you don't know what I mean, go and read it for yourself, go on, I'll  wait, I'll even do the hard work for you...

Hymn to a Good Wife

 10-31 A good woman is hard to find,
   and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
   and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
   all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
   and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
   and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
   for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
   then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
   rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
   is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
   diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
   reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
   their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
   and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
   when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
   brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
   and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
   and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
   and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
   her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
   but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
   The woman to be admired and praised
   is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
   Festoon her life with praises!(MSG)

 ... feel inadequate? Yes, me too! But there is hope! Forget that she is married and has children. Flip, forget she's even a woman for a second, this applies to men too! There are things in here we can all do:

• Be trustworthy
• Not be spiteful
• Be generous with what we have
• Be consistant
• Shop around!!
• Be prepared
• Make good investments
• Take care of ourselves
• Sense the worth of our work
• Don't do a half-arsed job
• Recognise our skills
• Be quick to help those in need
• Face tomorrow with a smile
• Have something worthwhile to say
• Say it kindly
• Be respected
• Be blessed
• Be praised
• Live in the Fear-of-God

Now "living in the Fear-of-God" is a huge thing, and maybe I'll get round to it in another post, and the three before that will come as a result of the rest, let's put these to one side for now. The rest of this list is all about character, perspective and thinking before you act.
 

It is about taking responsibility for your own feelings and behaviour.

OUCH!

So now we feel inadequate and poked, THANKS!

Why though? What can we not do? I need to be honest with you here, just so you know I'm on the poke-ee side! I am on the tail end (I believe) of a period of postnatal depression. It has taken months of counselling, therapy, anti-depressants and a pretty awesome move of God last weekend to get me to this point where I can look at myself and say 'hang on ein Minuten bitte!' and realise that actually I CAN do all this and more, because God is on my side, as long as I stay on God's side that is. Which means not listening to thoughts in my own head saying I'm worthless, hopeless, a rubbish mother, a useless wife, better off dead and all the other things that go whirring round when you are depressed, or even just having a bad day.

What then should my perspective be? Here's what I think...

Take a look at 1 Thesselonians 4:9-12 from The Source:

Now about love for fellow-believers - there's no need for me to write to you about this, as you yourselves are taught by God to love one another. And indeed this is exactly how you act towards all the fellow believes who are in Macedonia. But we urge you, fellow believers, to excel at it even more, so that your driving ambition will be to live in settled peace, and to carry out your own business affairs and to work at them actively, just as we instructed you. This is so that you will behave decently to the outsiders and you won't need anything!

The Greek word for 'ambition' here is the same one used to describe the basic drives and ambition of Homeric and other legendary heroes. LEGENDARY HEROES. Achilles, Hercules, King Leonidas of Sparta. These characters had that driving ambition because they knew their purpose.

The instruction in these verses is three-fold:

• to live in settled peace
• to carry out your own business affairs (or job!)
• to work at them actively

Who isn't striving to live in settled peace? Anyone? If we are to apply that same passionate desire we possess to be settled to carrying out our business affairs, and to not being passive in them, perhaps we should try and remember our own purpose?

I'll end for now on this:

But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do,
   what God is looking for in men and women.
It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
   be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don't take yourself too seriously—
   take God seriously.

Micah 6:8 The Message

On Feelings of Inadequacy: Part 1

in·ad·e·quate/inˈadikwit/

Adjective:

Not adequate; lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose. (of a person) Unable to deal with a situation or with life: "inadequate to the task"

(Google search: "inadequate")

We all fall short of the Glory of God so in that way, yes, we are inadequate. BUT I firmly believe that God has built each one of us for a reason. He saw a me shaped hole in the world and got to work.

This morning as I woke up I remembered a day at my first proper job just over three years ago. I was working for a law firm and I had forgotten to deal with an email from a client. The client was now asking my supervisor why they had heard no more on the matter, and they were angry. I hadn't done it on purpose, it had just slipped into my enourmous 'to do' pile which kept getting added to with urgent things that needed doing yesterday. You might have one of those...

I asked God why this scene had come to mind. He asked me (I never get a straight answer from God, like the best teachers He seems to prefer to guide me towards working it out myself!) 'How did you feel? Do you know why you felt that way?' I knew straight away how I felt. Completely inadequate. I had a long list of reasons too: I was under a lot of pressure; it didn't seem as important as other things that were being asked of me; I was miserable; I had stopped enjoying my job; I didn't think I could do it anymore but was too scared to leave without finding something else to go to. Mortgages can do that to you.
 

Both God and my husband had been trying to get me to leave that job for some time. They could both see how miserable it was making me and it took that day for me to see it too. It wasn't that I wasn't good at my job, I was, I had been employee of the month not long before this happened. It wasn't that they didn't want me to work either, but that the job I was doing was not the one I was made for.

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” ― Albert Einstein

So I was doing the wrong thing. Psalm 23 says "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me" (v4 NASB). I don't recall who made this point, but the point is that the way is THROUGH that valley, you don't set up camp there! And that is what I had done. I was called to work in that job for a season, the season had passed and I hadn't recognised the change, let alone acted upon it.

I realised this morning that I had not been inadequate back then. I had felt inadequate. There is a big difference. How we allow ourselves to feel affects our behaviour and perspective. I think maybe that this particular episode of feeling inadequate in my life cast a shadow over the years that followed. Perhaps if I had had a little more confidence in myself as a daughter of the King of Kings back then and not lived in that shadow things might be a little different now. Not much different, just a bit brighter.

I think I might just be coming out into the sun again now though.