On Feelings of Inadequacy: Part 3

be·lieve/biˈlēv/

Verb:

Accept (something) as true; feel sure of the truth of: "the superintendent believed Lancaster's story". Accept the statement of (someone) as true.

The problem I have most often is believing truth. I know my husband loves me. I know I'm a good mum. I know my baby (ok, toddler!) is thriving. I know that I am a dancer/artist/writer/general creative being. I even know a bit of who the Bible says I am. Believing it all though is sometimes, for some reason, an entirely different thing.

I've just had my first tap lesson in quite some time. I knew the steps, I have done them before, but my belief in my ability has subsided. That caused unclear beats, and what's known in the business as 'fudged bits' often accompanied by the 'I'm messing this up' face. This is completely down to a lack of practice. With practice I will improve both in the quality of the movement and sound I produce and in memorising the routines. Practising tap is fairly simple, I just have to get to class. So how do I practice the rest? Erk!

I can practice being loved by allowing myself to be loved.

By believing I am lovable.

By loving myself.

My pastor has said in the past that only a mad person expects a change in the results without changing something in the process. Something clearly has to change. OK, what does loving myself look like? It is eating three meals a day because I need that. It is not being up at 01:10 blogging (oops!) because I need to sleep when I can. It is doing the laundry so that I have clean clothes to wear. It is figuring out how to have more than one shower a week, which might actually mean showering in the evening after my son has gone to bed, because otherwise it doesn't happen.

"We fear change" - Garth Elgar (Wayne's World)

We humans are creatures of habit. Some habits are behaviour, like biting your nails, or having a biscuit with a cup of tea. If you want to stop it you can take measures. You get that yucky tasting nail biting deterrent or stop buying biscuits. You can also get people to help you. Some habits though are perhaps more deeply engraved. It seems harder to snap out of thought based habits. Mind tapes that play over and over in your inner monologue. They need taping over with something new.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.(Phil 4:8 NASB)

So I think I need to make myself get into some new habits. I think I need to actually go as far as writing myself a time-table. I need:

• time to cook and time to eat
• time to play and time to sleep
• time to create and time to tidy away

Most of all I think I need to dwell on some more of who I actually am, and to read my Bible.

Except I'll stay away from Ecclesiastes for now!